No Clue

There’s a greater reason 

To what is seen. 

A greater purpose

Behind the scenes. 

This world is blind.

They have no clue.

Impossible for it

To grasp the truth. 

They ignore the beauty everyday, 

Having no clue

What they throw away. 

The treasure sitting in your hand

Is not one you will find again. 

They take for granted the love.

They use and abuse

What was sent from above. 

But God sees it all..

Still waiting to catch them

When they fall. 

When will they see

It’s Him they need? 

Trade the riches of this world

For treasure in eternity. 

Hold on to the good, 

Release the bad.

He’ll give you a love

That you’ve never had. 

He’s waiting for you

To take His hand. 
GP 2017

I Don’t Want

Sometimes when you go thru a heartbreak,  a devastating loss, you lose something. You lose that part of you that believes in love; the part that gave you hope and kept you going. Fear comes in and replaces that hope. And you question every person,  every relationship,  and every new beginning. This fear will try to stop you from starting again. It will tell you there’s no point. But you have to fight it. You have to find that little sliver of hope and let it be enough to push you forward. You have to try again for yourself and for your heart. Maybe this new love won’t last..or maybe it’s the one that will.. But you’ll never know if you don’t try. So hold on with every bit of strength you have left and allow yourself the opportunity for a possibility. 

I wrote this poem as a representation of that fear. To let you know it’s ok to have it..but not to let fear have you. 

I Don’t Want

I don’t want

To feel your touch

I don’t want

To memorize your face 

I don’t want

To fall in love 

Nor give away

What it takes. 

I don’t want

To believe

To hope for

What will never come

A future I don’t want

To see

I don’t want

To watch us come undone. 

I don’t want

To feel you close

I don’t want

The dreams

I don’t want

To take another chance

I don’t want

To watch you leave. 

I don’t want

To love

But I don’t want

To let you go

I don’t want

To just give up

I want to

Give us a chance to grow. 

©GP 2017

Up In Smoke

This house is burning

I’m caught in the flames

The fire is rising

While I plan my escape

Searching for an open door

Trying to find my way out

I just can’t take anymore

But my lungs won’t let me shout..

I can’t breathe

Can’t breathe

Please let me go

I can’t breathe 

Can’t breathe

I’m going up in smoke. 
 

Can anyone hear my cries

Can’t they see what’s happening

From the flames the smoke will rise

As I’m in need of rescuing

I feel so lost in the flames

The smoke surrounds me like a wall

Darkness keeps closing in

As I begin to call..

I can’t breathe

Can’t breathe

Please let me go

I can’t breathe

Can’t breathe

I’m going up in smoke..

 

The fog is moving in

And I can’t breathe

It slowly thickens

As I lay suffocating..

I can’t breathe

Can’t breathe

Please let me go

I can’t breathe

Can’t breathe

I’m going up in smoke.

©GP 2016

10 Hours

I was given specific instruction to share this story. In a world where everything seems to be falling apart, there needs to be a light that shines on the moments of hope. 

10am – We spent an hour waiting.. hoping that maybe, just maybe, the charges were dropped. Maybe the warrant didn’t really happen. Then the officer came out, and things got real. Now I’m watching my 17 year old go thru a medal detector, get patted down, instructed to remove his shoes, and then he was escorted thru a pale door with a little glass window. He walked thru without even looking back. I was sick.. physically and emotionally. You never know how connected you are to your children until they go thru something. Then you feel everything they feel. I left the county jail not knowing what to do next. It was all a waiting game. The officer said not to worry they would keep him separate; they would watch him;  and then he’ll probably be released on Personal Recognance  (ie. No bail amount). But no one knew how long that would take. I worried if my son would remember everything I told him.  Would he tell them he needed an attorney? That poor kid is not going to have a clue as to what is happening and what he should do.  There is no greater torture than to be a mother who cannot help her child. So I wait…

2:00pm – The first ‘free’ call from jail.. “Mom, they set my bail at $1500”. 

    I was absolutely shocked, and sick again. Now what…I have literally  $0 today. I would have money the next day, but that means… I tried to wrap my head around my child spending the night in county. And I just could not accept that. Let me note – I have a brother who has spent most of his life in prison.  He has been beat up many times, and stabbed at least 8 times, maybe more (3 of those stab wounds are in his head). Now I know a small Texas County jail is nothing compared to a Central California Prison. But it’s all the same in my mind when it comes to the safety of my child. I promised my son I would do everything I could to get him out. But also prepared him for the possibility of a night in there. 

3:00pm – God brings bail money thru a very generous person. I don’t want to put this person on ‘front street’.. but they have become a vital role in my son’s life. There are no words of appreciation I can express. 

 From that point my job was to find a bondsman. This proved to be quite the task. 

5:44pm – “Mom, they’re moving me upstairs.”

What do you mean they’re moving you. They’re supposed to keep you separate. No. They were moving him to be with the general population. My son, 17 years old, never been thru anything like this before in his life, was about to go into the jungle. I said, ‘It’s ok.  Just pray. Keep your head down. Keep to yourself. It’ll be ok.  You’ll be fine.’ Inside, I was dying. 

5:47pm – The Call: It was a bondsman. I had talked to him a few minutes earlier. His requests to post bond were not something I could do. I can’t even tell you how many Bail Bond companies I called.  But He called back. He asked me all sorts of questions about my son, and our lives. Then he said: “I’ll do it. I’ll post your son’s bond”. Ok. This is good, except he wanted a little more than what I had. And I couldn’t get the rest until tomorrow. Then he said: “I’m on my way to the courthouse to bond your son out right now.  But here’s the thing, I can’t meet with you tonight. It will have to be tomorrow. ” I’m sorry, what.  You’re going to bond my son out and I haven’t given you any money yet? He said, ‘This is not me doing this. This is God. I would never do something like this.  But God told me to call you back and bail your son out.’ My God made a way where it seemed there was none. 

6:36pm – ‘You serve an amazing God’ is all I heard when I answered the phone.  The bond has been posted. When the bondsman got there, my son was in the orange jumpsuit with his bedding getting ready to step into the elevator. But God had other plans.  They pulled my son before he even had the chance to go up that elevator. That’s how God works:  just in time. I want to reiterate: my son was bonded out by a stranger. There was no paperwork filled out. There was no money given. This bondsman listened to the voice of God and acted out of faith. 

8:00pm – I am heading to the jail to pick up my son.  This has been the longest 12 hours ever. There were a lot of emotional up and downs, but constant prayer. And somehow, my son is coming home tonight. God saved him from the Lions Den. 

The beautiful part of this story is how God will protect us even thru our mistakes. He will give grace in the midst of accountability. And He will show Himself in ways that we least expect. 

Broken Atmosphere

Surrounded by the thoughts

that race inside my head

Defeated by the words

that were never even said

I’m searching for the Truth

I don’t know what to do

So I fall on my knees

and cry out to You…

 
Please God, have a little mercy

for this wounded soul

Remember I’m Your daughter

when the blessings unfold

Take me in Your arms

Save me from the harm

Please don’t leave me here

In this broken atmosphere. 

 
Desperate for the love

I know exists

Grasping for the hope

I have long since missed

I’m trying not to fall

I don’t want to quit

So I’m praying to You and

hoping You’ll hear my call..

 
Please God, have a little mercy

for this wounded soul

Remember I’m Your daughter

when the blessings unfold

Take me in Your arms

Save me from the harm

Please don’t leave me here

In this broken atmosphere. 

 
The walls are crashing in

My legs can barely stand here

And I can hardly breathe

in this broken atmosphere.

I need You to come

take me from this place

Bring me back to life

Heal me with Your grace..

 
Please God, have a little mercy

for this wounded soul

Remember I’m Your daughter

when the blessings unfold

Take me in Your arms

Save me from the harm

Please don’t leave me here

In this broken atmosphere.  

 
©2016 GD

Labels

The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.  Psalms 118:14

I spent quite a bit of time debating this post. I thought about what to share and how to share it. I want to address something that we all struggle with: Labels. There are labels that are given to us and labels we give ourselves. Some of us have gone thru painful episodes in our lives; some of us have had unspeakable things done to us. It’s the label that we take from those experiences that determines how we come out of those experiences. Today, I want to share my labels with you.

Label: VICTIM – I feel like only a victim will truly know just how infuriating that word can be. I hear the word victim, and it brings about feelings of shame. Being a Victim means that something beyond your control happens to you. And yet, the very word brings me feelings of guilt. I am a victim of child rape and molestation. I am a victim of sexual assault. I am a victim of sex trafficking. I am a victim of domestic violence. How overwhelming and defeating it is to think about all the ways I have been victimized. I feel like being a victim means to put me on a shelf somewhere to keep me from getting hurt again. People keep their distance because they don’t quite know how to handle a victim. Labeling me a victim means putting a big red letter on my chest to remind everyone that I have had horrible things done to me.

Label: SURVIVOR – When you come out of a traumatic situation, you’ll be counseled as no longer a victim but a survivor. I’m sorry, but this just feels no better to me. You survive a horrible car crash. You survive a shark bite. Survive means you were taken down, but not taken out. Survive means you are not the same; a piece of you is missing. A Survivor has scars. Thinking of myself as a survivor means that whatever happened got the best of me.

Label: OVERCOMER – Despite your best shot I’m still here, fully. You did not take the best of me. You made me stronger. This is the label we should wear.  Being an overcomer means you have the spirit-filled heart of a warrior. Being an overcomer means you did not allow the schemes of the enemy to take you off the path God has given you. Actually, you use the trauma to fuel you.  An overcomer fights back and fights for those who have yet to learn what it means to overcome.

I urge you to not let what happened to you control you.  Don’t let the bad win by giving up on life. Use it. God chose you to walk the path you are on for a specific reason. Don’t waste it. He created you for a purpose. Be an Overcomer.

My Last Ride

He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
                                       Psalm 91:4

For the past seven months I have been a driver for a rideshare company. This is a job that I never saw myself in, much less enjoy. An an extreme introvert, my anxiety soars just thinking about being in a room with a stranger. But God put me in this position that forced me to interact with complete strangers on a regular basis. I still haven’t gotten used to it. I realized,though, that not only is God stretching and growing me, but He’s giving me an opportunity to connect with others. I can be a light when someone’s having a rough day, a word of encouragement, advice when it is needed, hope when there are doubts, and an introduction to Christ when the Spirit moves.

Ridesharing was halted last week. My means of income and my mission field because almost nonexistent. But my last passenger was something special. I picked up a lady just finishing up a cleaning job.  I should note that I talked to her by phone first because I couldn’t locate her. During that conversation she asked if I could fit all her supplies and her two pet gerbils. I warily responded with a sure. But my mind was thinking something else. But when I get to her, I see she is struggling. Her last driver showed up, was rude to her, then left her without a ride. I immediately shifted my frame of mind to compassion mode and loaded my trunk with her abundant amount of cleaning tools complete with plastic tubs for the gerbils. After talking with her some more, I learned she had been living in a hotel. She was cleaning houses to get back on her feet. She expressed nonchalantly being a little nervous because that night she was going to stay with a stranger who would rent a room to her. That statement was a trigger to my Spirit. The entire ride I heard God telling me to pray a prayer of protection with her. Here’s the thing: I am a very private prayer. I do not like to pray aloud with people I know. So this request gave me great anxiety. We get there and I’m helping her unload, trying to stall and find excuses. Then she calls the person out to meet her. Now I’m thinking ‘great. Guess I can’t pray with her now.’ Nope. God said do it anyway. So the faithful daughter I am…I turned to her and said “This may seem awkward but I need to pray a prayer of protection over you”. I don’t know if she was saved or not,  but she let me. And luckily the person she was staying with didn’t walk out until right after the prayer was done. I was able to leave knowing that I was obedient to God, she was going to be safe, and maybe she had a conversation with God herself later that night.

I love moments like that. There is a spiritual ‘high’ like nothing you can explain. I encourage you to allow God to challenge you to step out of your comfort zone. You never know what life you may change.

Vindicated

for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me. Let me live forever in your sanctuary, safe beneath the shelter of your wings!

Psalms 61:3‭-‬4 NLT

Four days ago I was blindsided. Outside forces were coming against me and accusations were made. The enemy was using someone to intentionally attack me to break apart the little I have been fighting to hold together.  But I didn’t fight back.

The past few weeks I have been working on remaining in control of my reactions and emotions, despite how out of control my world around me may get. This trial was a tough one. It threatened the one thing that means everything to me. I cannot even describe what it feels like to have a person that you should trust plot and plan to strip your heart away. Or, what it feels like to have the people that once protected you suddenly shift and treat you like the guilty party.  My flesh has been an anxiety-ridden mess. But my spirit remained in conversation with my Heavenly Father. I have spent the past 4 days in my Bible, allowing God to speak with me.  The verse above was given to me yesterday. Instead of reacting, I trusted in God’s sovereign hand. I reminded Him, (not that He needs it), of His promises to be my protector, to be my rock. I did not let this destroy me. I did not let it break me.

Today I was vindicated. The events that transpired hit a crossroad today. And God turned it His way. I was vindicated. And at the end of it, those who were brought in to persecute me actually said that I was doing everything right given the circumstances. Sometimes God can use a difficult situation to bring us comfort. Because hearing that, made it all worth it. Single-parenting can make you question everything, every decision, every action. But today God told me that I am doing some things right. What the enemy means for bad…

I am so grateful for the hell I went thru the past 4 days. Because it allowed for me to see God at work. I was able to see that God still sees, He still hears..and most importantly, He still cares.

Home

Sometimes you never know what will trigger you.

I ended up in our old neighborhood this evening. Before I even reached it, the memory floodgates fell open. See, when this happens, it’s not your mind playing games, it’s your heart. Your heart starts to take those little moments and it will weave them together so tight that the bad moments can barely be seen. And for just a moment, I wished that everything from the past year and a half was just a dream. And I could just go home.

It was our home, our first Texas home. Two years may seem like a miniscule amount of time to most. But with the life I’ve lived, two years is the longest time my kids and I have called a house a home. I remember the weeks I spent walking circles around the cove wishing my second youngest would just leave the residence he had taken up in my belly. I remember bringing both my baby boys home from the hospital. Pulling up for the first time and meeting our neighbors before we even had a chance to walk in. Barbecuing on the back patio while the kids had water fights. Watching my kids walk out for the first day of school.

It was our home. We had it all. Yet we had nothing. It was just an illusion. The mask of a life you learn to wear. And yet I miss it. Part of me just wants to go back instead of living in the reality that is my today. Because you forget. The pattern weaves itself a little tighter every time, and the bad holes just keep getting smaller.

I realize I’m angry. Angry that we lost it all.  Angry that we have to still suffer the repercussions, like we haven’t suffered enough. I just hope and pray that when God said in His Word that He would return 10-fold everything the enemy took away, He’s talking about me. That maybe somewhere out there is a perfect house on the perfect cove with a life far greater than anything I could ever imagine.

The Calling

I want to take a moment to talk about something that I have been too afraid to talk about here…singing.

Right now there is this fire burning inside me. It is consuming me. Singing is all I want to do, all I can think about. Yet, I am utterly convinced I have no talent in that area. I know I am nowhere near good enough. But singing is what God has called me to. Through Him, I can be good enough. But, I don’t think I believe enough. This battle for this calling has been going on for years. I should just give it up already. But it’s too embedded in me now. I used to struggle with the idea that if God had called me to sing, surely he would have given me the talent. Makes sense, right? But I learned something…God doesn’t go for the obvious and the easy. Sometimes, He wants you to partner with Him and fight for that calling.

You have no idea how difficult it is to sit on the outside of a calling. How utterly exasperating it is to have a fire that has nowhere to burn. To keep knocking on doors to only be ignored. To be deemed not good enough and not even able to have a chance. I would just rather accept it wasn’t meant to be. But my greatest fear is that I will leave this world never having fulfilled God’s calling on my life. That I was given a talent, a spiritual gift, and I never put it to use. That I allowed the thoughts and opinions of others to talk me out of what God has called me to.

I want to use music to bring people closer to God. I want to be His vessel that allows others to see Him. I want to help people heal thru music. God can do anything..can use anyone. Why not me?